Mofongo for Bobos (Dummies)

OK, I've been tweeting about this for several days now, and it's time to hand over my private, potent, yet imperfect recipe for mofongo, the food of the Puerto Rican gods. For effect, I'm gonna try to tell this story in pictures, but let me start with a few warnings:

--Preparing the meal takes time, and unless you are a 19th century abuela -- like my late, great grandmother Isabel, my muse for everything Puerto Rican that I try to do in the kitchen -- you are going to make mistakes. You will burn food, you will burn yourself, you will make major cooking errors (I did all three). Before you start, you may want to pour yourself a drink (así, bobo -- pour me one, too).

--Unless you live in a Carribean or Asian community, you may have trouble finding all the right ingredients. But the required list is simple, and I've kept it even simpler, cheating only once (by substituting bacon for fatback, which the folks at Whole Foods are pretending they never heard of -- sinverguenzas).

--Prepared correctly, this dish has LOTS of garlic. So much, it freaked out my wife when she saw the assembly for the final stages. Advice: keep all adults out of the kitchen. There are other things in this dish that might freak out the feint of heart.

Recommended: click on the photos to see the truth up close.

STEP ONE

You'll need three of these -- unripe. Yes, they look like bananas, but they're different. No substitutions here.

STEP TWO

Slice the plantains into one-inch pieces. Cut diagonally so that they look like this. Extra surface area means easier frying.

STEP THREE

Soak the plantains in a large bowl of water and salt. Dry them afterwards.

STEP FOUR

Fry 'em up. 350 degrees F, for fifteen minutes. Here's where you are likely to burn yourself.

STEP FIVE

Time for a beer, if you haven't had one already. If you can't find a Puerto Rican brew, try Mexican (¡ese!).

STEP SIX

While the plantains are frying, and you are drinking your beer, you may want to start crushing the garlic. Use a wooden mortar and pestle, and crush six large cloves (ignore all other recipes which ask for three; ask your spouse to leave the room).

STEP SEVEN

This is what the garlic looks like after 39 assaults with the pestle. Sit back and admire. You are now an honorary Puerto Rican. At least ....

STEP EIGHT

Time to check in on the plantains. This is what they look like after 15 minutes.

STEP NINE

Time for a second beer. You're feeling good at this point, despite the second-degree burn. ¡Mambo!

STEP TEN

Oh yeah -- we almost forgot the fatback. We couldn't find any, so we got a nice big bag of bacon. But another problem -- all the burners are going, splattering oil here and there. Let's cook the bacon like modern, contempo-Suburbo Ricans. Arrange five slices in a bowl with paper towels, cover with more paper towels, and microwave on high for five minutes. It'll come out perfectly.

STEP ELEVEN

Remember when I said that plantains are different? Well, for one thing, plantains are super dry. Some recipes call for a clear broth to moisten the dish. Instead, I'm taking a cue from one of those fantastic Cuban/Chinese restaurants on upper Broadway in NYC. Back in the early 90's, I had mofongo for lunch at one of those places, and they served it with a most excellent spicy tomato sauce. Here are my recommended ingredients for the sauce.

STEP TWELVE

Here's another recommended ingredient (for the sauce).

You may also want to add bacon (I did).

Hey, you're right -- this does look a lot like a Bloody Mary. But think about the bacon. Let's call it a Bloody Maria, OK?

Combine all ingredients for the sauce in a small pan, bring to a boil, then simmer for ten minutes.

STEP THIRTEEN

OK, you just heard the microwave ring. Your bacon is ready. Take a large cleaver and chop it up nice and fine.

STEP FOURTEEN

Time for assembly! Arrange the following, in order: your mortar and pestle, your fried plantains, your fatback (bacon), your garlic, and a nice large bottle of olive oil.

STEP FIFTEEN

Here's an arial view.

STEP SIXTEEN

Start mixing and smashing all these ingredients in the mortar.

STEP SEVENTEEN

If the mortar is too small, use a larger ceramic bowl. But make sure you use the pestle. No cheating here. It's a five-thousand year old recipe, bobo, and you need to smash the stuff with a pestle, OK? OK ....

Pour a little olive oil, every now and then.

STEP EIGHTEEN

After you pummel and pound about 500 times -- OK, have another beer -- clump up the mass into little balls, and place on a cookie sheet lined with foil. Now go fetch your spouse. It's time to heat up the mofongo, and this is the perfect moment for social drinking.

STEP NINETEEN

Place the cookie sheet in the oven, set the temperature to 350 F, and wait for your mofongo while you and your loved one listen to Xavier Cugat, Tito Puente, or Celia Cruz (maybe Mambo Kings, if that's all you have). Get romantic. Try not to look embarrassed. Thirty minutes.

STEP TWENTY

Serve the mofongo in the nicest wooden mortar (proper name = pilón) you can find. This one belonged to my abuelita. It's about forty years old, and has a scent of plantain, garlic, and oil that's intoxicating. You may not need such an ancient, metaphor-laden, grail-like vessel to create the desired effect. But it you like the meal, take the pilón and pass it down to your Puerto Rican progeny. Your pilón may not be ancient now, but it will be someday.

MOFONGO FOR BOBOS

Ingredients for the mofongo:

Plantains -- three, unripe

Garlic -- six large cloves

Fatback or bacon -- 1/2 cup

Water -- four cups

Salt -- one tablespoon

Olive oil -- plenty

Ingredients for the sauce (Bloody Maria):

Tomato sauce -- one small can

Tabasco sauce -- ten hard shakes

Worcestershire sauce -- one teaspoon

Vodka -- two ounces

Bacon -- two slices, cut into one inch pieces

Ingredients for the cook:

Beers -- three

Puerto Rican music -- some

Dinner companions -- one will do just fine

Comments

[susan e]

I feel like a big bobo (boba? That can't be right.) All this time, I thought mofongo was soup...

[Josie]

That is the funniest recipe for Mofongo I've ever heard of. No wonder mine have never tasted the same, I never knew abuela was a beer drinker. I'll have to try it. By the way somewhere along the way I picked up that instead of fatback or bacon you can actually use chunks of fried pork, try it you'll love it!!! Also the sauce you've tasted is another garlicky sauce you can make at home, use tomato sauce with olive oil or mayonaisse (which ever you prefer) mixed with another batch of smashed garlic. Chicken or fish broth poured over the plantains,will help moisten the mofongo. I agree with you on the music if you don't add this to your recipe the mood may not be right when you sit down to eat. Thanks for sharing one of abuelas treasured secrets and without a doubt I will remember to pass it on, cause time sure does fly....Be Blessed!!!

[Giovanni Rodriguez]

Susan -- you must be thinking of mondongo. Never cared for it. But I'll make you some just for the fun of it.

Josie -- so nice to hear from you. The beer is my invention. I believe Abuela might have preferred malta.

[Carmen]

No wonder I never made it. I just love to eat it. I can' believe you still have abuelita's mortar, wow I never knew the real name of that. I would love to hear more about our family history...menus party's etc. Did your wife like it? Is so nice to hear from you.
Te Amo primo.

[Beverly]

Giovanni, I almost got in trouble 3 times at work laughing so hard at my computer. You are such a Puerto Rican. I never knew how to make it and to be honest I don't think I've eaten it since the 70's. And how did you get abuelitas wooden mortar. Was that part of the will? You lucky boy. You were always the favorite. :) I miss your stupid sense of humor.

[Giovanni Rodriguez]

Carmen and Beverly -- my Mom got it from Grandma Isabel, and I got from my Mom. Maybe I'll give it to Isaac, if he can promise me not to hide his cars in it. I'll wait.

[Gloria N. Rodriguez]

Giovanni I know you love Mofongo, and your recipe is sure very entertaining, though kind of a long version. But since it was the "Mofongo for Bobos" recipe, it's allright for it to have twenty steps. I'm glad to read that you still have Grandma's Pilon.

[Jeanette]

I have never tried Mofongo nor heard of it. I will confess, I do not know how to make any Puerto Rican dishes (I bow my head in shame). Mofongo sounds delicious. I definitely need to buy a wooden mortar pestle, ingredients, and have my husband make this dish for me. I forgot about your sense of humor. Miss you both. Isaac is a handsome little man.

[Heriberto Bonaparte]

Nene, even in my sorrow, you make
me laugh...I notice you did not
"pelastes los platanos",...hey
how about some "Chicharones" or
"chorizo", what about "un caldito de habichuelas" Pink bean.
Anyway thats our Giovanni, the best of all, love you.
ps.
Titi Dino love your receipe, naturally, she is Boba too.

[Gerson Bonaparte]

Giovanni, I too have a pilon that I came by. It was given to me by my grandmother on my dad's side. I actually have three pilones, one for salsa, one for regular cooking condiments and my grandmother's specifically for mofongo and roast pork seasoning. Funny how mofongo brings everyone out.

[Giovanni Rodriguez]

Jeanette

Come visit and I will make you some! Or maybe I'll Fedex you a nice big pile for Christmas.

Gerson and Heri -- so great to see you here. Titi Dino is the other abuela I am channeling here. Everytime I see her I somehow manage to get her to cook for me. But I don't see her often enough.

[Alice Hernandez]

Giovanni, I wrote an Spanish reply yesterday. Try mofongo with lobster or shrimps.You have to ask your Titi Dino (my sister in law) for the recipe for "Pescado en Escabeche)it is her best.
Love, Alice ( Hery's sister)

[Dianna]

Too good - thanks for the recipe! I just learned the the ancient way to make mojitos and will make them as a contribution to a party next weekend. The mofongo (Mofongi? what's the plural?) would be perfect to bring for appetizers, but your recipe does not include the all-important transportation step and I am confused: do I drive, fry, drink? Drink, wait, fry, drive? Stage the prep up the Peninsula through the clever use of Motel 6s? Or drive, drink, assault the host's kitchen on arrival, delegate while drinking? I think I just answered my own question...

[Ellen Petry Leanse]

Viva mofongo! Me encanta. Only one question: for how long must one soak one's platanos in that salted water? Wondering how many beers to plan for that essential step.

Thinking rice...black beans...and maybe a mojito, which I know isn't excatly Puertoriqueno, but who's counting. Thanks!

[Giovanni Rodriguez]

Hey Ellen,

If you want to experience this like a true *boricua,* try pinto beans instead of black. And instead of mojitos, make a big blender of piña coladas (what time shall I stop by?). As for the soaking -- as much time as it takes to drink your first beer. As for the beer -- as many as you can consume without getting silly. This is serious business, nena.

Dianna -- to quote an ancient Puerto Rican proverb, "if at first you don't succeed, fry fry again."

[Alice Hernandez]

For Dianna,
There is not plural for mofongo. that "mofongi"sounds like "fungi"to answer your question not much time you need to keep them in salted water, if you are in a hurry sprinkle them with salt it is the same and enjoy....
Alice

[Chris Heuer]

great all around - nice to have you out in the world as a food blogger - but I would have added a few more steps for beer

[Giovanni Rodriguez]

Alice -- thanks so much for your comments. You are helping to "crowdsource" revisions to this recipe, and I am grateful. Next up: cafe con leche. Going to a latino store this afternoon to get a new colador. If I can't find one, I'll have to use a sock.

[Joe Acevedo]

Hello Giovanni,
My name Is Joe Acevedo and I host the Puerto Rican Arts, Culture and Events website. I just came across your blog through a Google search and read your Mofongo recipe, it is the funniest recipe I ever read.

I have included a link to your mofongo recipe on my homepage, but I was wondering if I could post up your recipe with images on my website under recipes. This would be a new section and your recipe will be the first one posted.

Let me know what you think.
Thanks, Joe

[Giovanni Rodriguez]

Joe -- I am honored. Yes -- let me know how I can help.

g

[Alice Hernandez]

Giovanni, I am loving this...If you don't find the "colador" let me know I'll send you some. if you have to use a sock, please, be sure it is a new one. A used one will give a different flavor to our "café con leche" and don't forget to mention to try it with bread "mojado" in the coffee. Hummmmm!
Alice

[Alice Hernandez]

Giovanni, this is going to go worldwide. I sent it to my daughter in France, a friend in Venezuela, and my sister in P.R.Continue with your funny recipes...
Alice

[Giovanni Rodriguez]

Alice -- that's so great. Exciting to get your help in connecting with people in our tribe, wherever they may be.

About the sock -- you are right. Just the thought that it might be dirty is enough to scare people away. :) I meant to find a colador yesterday, but will try on Saturday. If I strike out, I will let you know.

g

[Ron Rodriguez]

It's amazing to see what a little Mofongo can do. It must be noted though if you are not a beer drinker, an excelent P.R. substitute is Malta which can be found at your local bodega as well. I think you need to post some more recipes. I vote for (3- Beer min.) Bacalao-itos. you know, the salty Cod Fish also drowned in oil? Margaret, my boys & myself were recent benefactors of this delicious delicacy recently thanks to Mom. And what about Relleno-de-Papas!

I have to go now. I'm hungry.

[Giovanni Rodriguez]

Yes, Ron. Bacalao will make a big appearance here.